sebuah buku tua yang koyak
masih ingat tak rasa disaat kau buka buku itu untuk saya?
tarik menarik seperti pantat besi berani saling bersentuhan
lalu kau persembahkan sebuah buku bertulis ikrar.
berpancar harum kalahkan anyir bunga mayat di pelupuk

kau buat aku jaga buku itu hingga titik abstain
penuhi helai lembar halaman dengan kisah yang tak kunjung tamat
setahun
dua tahun
tiga tahun..
hingga kian tahun pun lewat
aku tulis lembar kisah itu..
riuh rendah, pasang surut, hilang timbul
sampai gelap seluruh halamannya tertimpa oleh tinta hitam

buku hitam itu kini telah reyot,
hujan delapan tahun buat bulir2 buku terkoyak keluar dari jalinannya

seperti goresan luka dalam layak sayat tajam menghujam

rapuh,
seperti helai halaman itu yang jadi debu kala terhembus oleh nafas

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It is then .. when it happened..
A serene ending to a never ending chapter of the hearts..
the longest wait... has finally came to a bitter truthful end..

no more tears to shed, as every little drops subsided aged with time and turned itself into mulled wine ..
it is fate that brought us together..
and it is fate that brought us apart..
and was destined never to be seen..
ever again..

As the words keeps resonating its whisper through ones head..
"A soul without a body will just forever be a wandering ghost however sincere"
It was never there to begin with ..
It was gone even before it existed.. 



It has pained me to bid you adieu ...
putting an end to a 7 long years lovelorn misery .. liberate the heart to flutter ..
To once again feel the tingle of love that was once existed..

For now, come my little angels, let's get back to the place we once before..
back to our ice fortress.. Until it was time..
For whom it melts is another chapter to tell

But as for now...
Adieu ....

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If loving you is wrong.. I don't want to be right .. :(
a distance that has grown far apart has tormented even further.. leaving an endless hollow in my heart..
When is that going to stop? How many years more i should wait?
I don't think i can wait any longer.. patience has running thin..
Then everything has gone stale ...
and bitter

What's left is just a sour leftover love waiting to be trashed and exterminated..
When? a simple words yet an unanswerable question at that..

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moving on sounded like a great idea?
:/

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since everything started..
the days passed us by had been countless. I used to dread for that moment to come .. but it was never there..
the beginning, the chase, the thrill, the commitment, the fights, the phase of getting to know each other better. It just seem so long ago. stumbled upon the expecting period. all the excitement had died down and deeply buried on the ruins of hope. All we do now is as if we're some old couples whose romance candle had been blown up and lost its essence.

Can't I just let go and move on? The question that i'd been asking myself for so long. But never seem to find out the answer. He's getting too comfortable at the situation, it annoys me somehow ..

the fifth year along.. it's the anniversary .. but you're not there
you're not like what u used to be .. you're not staying at home waiting for me so we can have our little chat of silly things .. you were out .. you were gone and the only thing i've got for the reminder is a simple word of sorry .. I never expected anything fancy .. just a time to spare to satisfy my emotional needs .. a bare consequence on the distance
that alone had gone amiss..

His best buddies came down, I asked.. should I let him go? or should I wait? The answers all seem vaguely pointing to the audacity of wasting time. But him, being a gentleman that his buddies so proud of, would never do that to a lady, unless it's the lady's will. Should I end his misery ? Afterall, You don't need to obsess somebody if you love him/her dearly, all you have to do is make him/her happy eventho that wont suit the heartfelt. That's what you call Love, Right?

I think I should move on. carry on with life.. giving him chances to be happy on his terms.
However, the heart won't let go .. And once again. everything starts on square one..
the aching heart. why cant u be more reckless and rational ..
i miss you
truly and dearly ..

it's been 5 years and counting of our endless wait. You're there and I'm here. Going abroad and come back but still it's impossible to meet you.. why do you have to be so stubborn .. the pride will lead to nowhere. you told me to understand .. but what about me ? above all else.. I have put ppls needs fwd for as long as I live. But why should I this time? why should I bother?

why should I fuking care?

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missed holding hands and locking gazes .. letting the conversation flows in the world of our minds.

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"will it be like this later when we have our own family?"
a simple question.. and u exploded rattling about how u gonna leave me and take our children with you if this happened to your brother and I refused to go and visit my own family. "For me family is important!" you said.

That sentence saddened me. It made me feel like I'm an ignorant bastard. I'm way better then u think. I even cared for my friend whom i had differences in the past and now you see me as this evil bitch who doesn't know how to given some empathy to your dearest friend that you treated like your own brother. I began to hate myself even more and this doesn't help the fact that I'm being an idiot for the past 4 and a half years.

This isn't what it was like when we first met.
I didn't sign up for a living mockery.

underestimated understated and always be misunderstand

Probably we have that much gap between us. We're a totally different people from different backgrounds, with different views of life.
You still think I'm a person incapable of living as an adult.

and everything's just saddened me . really . truly
I have always been a sensitive, caring person. There are times when I need me-time, there are times when I wanted to be stubborn. But I always put others before me.

Why is it with you, you always think that I'm a self centered little bastard and you think you're a true God who cared so much for others?

It was just a simple question. And how I see it, I would put our family's first among others, and yes that's because I'm selfish when it comes to my family especially my own flesh and blood. I would think about us more than others. I would think it's late and my children needed some sleep for tomorrow's school rather having a sleepless night with somebody who's old enough to take care of their own problems.

Was I wrong? Probably I always is in front your eyes.
Is there a chance for you reading all this even tho i purposely put it up as a status? I don't think so. U're to busy with your own things to remember every little tiny detail when it comes to me or should i say Us?

This wasn't what I remembered it felt like when we first started. This is how you got close to me by reading my thoughts. But lately, all that faltered to a bottomless pit.


All this made me think twice of being with you. I probably not a perfect woman for you, but I probably am for somebody else, and when that happens I'm sure that somebody won't threaten to leave me when we had our children or when bad time comes.

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